Yeah, that's what Sadie said…

Have you ever…

Been in the San Francisco Bay area visiting old friends and you had a little time to kill so you went to see the Iron Lady, wherein you concurred with the widely held belief that Meryl Streep is most definitely genius incarnate, and afterward you pulled up Facebook on your iPhone to see what the members of your social network were up to and you discovered a complimentary and persuasive message sitting right there in your message box from a supercute, 25 year-old law student who just so happened to live in the area you were visiting and wanted nothing more than to occupy you for one evening, and so after a short text exchange and requisite expectation management, you set up a time to meet him later that night, and so you met him, and he met you, and even your friends met him, and together you all vetted him and deemed him ostensibly genuine, and worthy of your time and attention, and sweet in the way that young men can be, and yes indeed he was most definitely cute…

and so you and the law student decided together the following night he would procure a hotel room downtown, and so he picked you up the next night, where he appeared clearly nervous, and was therefore chatty and apologetic that he was late since his roommate’s dog needed to be rushed to the vet and he was the one elected to do so, and when you arrived at the hotel, the two of you wasted no time at all getting down to business, and the business you engaged in together was nice, it was tender yet rough and it was easy yet awkward – as first encounters with virtual strangers often are – and you repeated these sex sessions a few times, taking breaks in between your salacious interludes to talk (or actually, you mostly listened to him talk… and talk, and talk and talk some fucking more – so much so that you learned about his maladaptive relationship with his parents, his cum laude college graduate credentials, the tragic misadventures of his alcoholic sister, the fact that he had locked himself out of the house the night before, and more, much much more than you could have ever continued to feign interest in) and then…. just when you thought you might both drift off to sleep, this man – or boy rather – who had exhibited such neuroses during your brief time together as 1) a fear of city buses and 2) abject anxiety inside the hotel’s elevator…

this boy began to have an allergic reaction to the fucking sheets on the bed, allergies of such compulsive proportions (replete with coughing and supposedly swollen eyes, although it was dark and so you weren’t completely convinced of this particular symptom) that you offered the boy an OUT – why don’t you go home young law student… please don’t feel like you need to stay here all night, to which the student replied assuredly, no, no, no… I really want to stay, I will be fine, and so you rolled over thinking that sleep would greet you both very soon, but instead he announced loudly – much too loudly given the lack of light in the room and the fact that you were trying to sleep right next to him, not to mention the time (3:30 am) – oh, I totally forgot to check in on my roommate’s dog, how thoughtless of me, and so the law boy picked up his phone, sent a text, put the phone down and one minute later that phone rang, he answered it and you could just barely make out a voice on the other line that sounded fakely frantic and after a few seconds of back and forth this law student hung up the phone and tried, unsuccessfully – because after all he is NO Meryl Streep – to tell you that his roommate, the one with the sick dog, had locked himself out of the house…

and you didn’t buy it, not for one minute, and because you are who you are (someone who really dislikes bullshit of such childish proportions) you suggested directly that he was totally full of shit and had orchestrated the scenario so that he would have an excuse to leave (even though you had already given him the opportunity to take off) he had only this to say, “I really wish that I was that smart, to have come up with such a scheme” and you watched as he flailed around the room collecting his stuff in the darkness that wasn’t so dark that you couldn’t clearly discern the fact that he was very nervous, shaking in fact, shaking so hard that he could not get the zipper on his jacket engaged and so he left it open, and said goodbye, but not before first suggesting he’d come back to the dark room after he had rescued his roommate in order to prove that he wasn’t lying…

and of course you never heard from him again?

Has that ever happened to you?

Me too.